It's been over a year since you left your rebound relationship.  In that time span you've been lifting weights, getting into shape, and making some good money working for your ex wife's brother down by the docks.  And after much thought and consideration, you've come to the conclusion that you've dealt with your inner demons, and that you're ready to get back out there and date.  But now you're faced with a serious question: Do you go back to the young hotter version of your ex, full knowing that she's been dating A LOT since you've been gone, and has a pretty serious boyfriend who is over seas making a movie?  Or do you take a chance at a high school dance and try someone new?

That Phillies fans is exactly the question that faces 11 year veteran reliever Troy Percival.  Percival spent ten years with the LA/Anaheim Angels only to see them give the keys to the car to 25 year old Fransisco Rodriguez.  Percival then signed with the Detroit Tigers, only to see his health fail him, and send him into retirement.  He's been working with the Angels organization in their minor leagues since, and is now seeking a come back.  But to who?  Who will be the lucky winner of a 37 year old arm with 324 career saves?  Well I know the answer...

Not the Phillies.

And why would he want to sign with the Phillies?  Would any reliever in their right mind, especially one who's old and doesn't want to/couldn't handle a strenuous work load, want to sign with the Phillies?  No.

Percival pitched for the first time in almost a year yesterday and, "appears to be healthy." Seen among the spectators were the Indians, the Marlins, and the Tigers. 

The Tigers represent that old flame.  The rebound girl who you thought you had a connection with but couldn't tell because you got spooked.  Even though her soon to be boyfriend (Zumaya) is away shooting a movie (DL), and sure she's sorta dating a fatter version of you (Jones), does that really mean that you don't still yearn for the day of a second chance?

And there's the Indians.  They represent the random hot girl you meet at the Jersey shore, and no matter what happens from here on out, your relationship is just a summer fling.  She's currently dating someone at the moment (Borowski), but he doesn't treat her right, not like you could.

And finally there's the Florida Marlins.  They represent the girl who just dropped out of Junior College and wants to tick daddy off.  She's young, hot, and shows a lot of potential.  She's not dating anyone, and is eagerly looking for a boyfriend.

Those ladies an gentleman are the real suitors (but realistically only the Tigers and Indians have a shot)... unless the Yankees (the 50 year old divorce looking for a quick fix), or some random dark horse get involved.

Yes the Phillies do need help with their bullpen, but don't hold your breath waiting for Percival... cause you'll end up blue and on the floor laying in your own urine.

First off, we're sorry.  We're sorry.  We're sorry.  We're sorry.

Let's face it, our moves haven't exactly panned out in regards to our bullpen.  Between the guys we didn't sign, the guys we did sign, and the projected starter turned closer, we've screwed up... royally.  If we had access to Doc Brown's Delorean, we'd go back in time and do the exact opposite of what we've done to date.  I guess in hindsight we never should have signed Flash Gordon.  But in our defense, how were we supposed to know that Gordon was actually 83 years old, and that he was no longer focused because of all the trouble he was having with the new puppet regime installed in his Florida retirement community (****, we're in such a mess, we've been toying with the idea of bailing out Ugi).  But don't worry Philly fans, we're here to tell you that we're doing our best to right the ship.  I mean did Captain John Smith stay the course after numerous reports of danger?  Ummmm... scratch that. 

I think we're all in agreement that Monday's and Tuesday's loss to the Diamondbacks were tough to swallow, but those loses were made even worse by the way they ended.  To have Garcia go 8 strong innings only to see Madson give up 2 runs in the ninth; and then to cut the lead down to two, only to have Geary give up 5 runs in the eighth... well it makes us sick.  So sick that I personally saw Charlie Manuel crying in his office after the game (sure the wedding scene from Steel Magnolia's was playing in the background, but I'm pretty sure it was because of the game).

And this is the reason for the letter.  We as an organization have decided that the only way for us to fix the pen is to hold open try outs.  That's right, the Vince Papale experiment is back, and we're hoping for the same kind of result (except maybe four or five Papale's... and no more Interboro kids).  We'll take anyone.  Anyone with an arm.  It doesn't even really matter if it's a real arm, just something that is able to throw a baseball over the plate without the end result being a home run, walk, or wild throw.  There's even been some talk about letting people with futuristic body parts to try out.  So if you're an ex high school player, a carnival game show off, a little league phenom, a cyborg, or even pretty good at MLB on the Playstation, then we want you.  I'm not kidding folks.  Our bullpen has an ERA of 6.69.  Vegas has our overall season ending OVER/UNDER team ERA set at 9.83 (FYI - we took the over).  Someone out there has to be better than this:

Alfonseca - 2-1, 4.57 ERA, 21.2 innings, 27 hits
Rosario - 0-3, 4.70 ERA, 15.1 innings, 21 hits
Gordon - 1-1, 4.82 ERA, 9.1 innings, 12 hits
Condrey - 2-0, 10.80 ERA, 8.1 innings, 12 hits
Myers - on the DL with a broken spirit
Segovia - 0-1, 9.00 ERA, 5 innings, 8 hits
Geary - 0-1, 3.76 ERA, 26.1 innings, 19 runs

We could go on and on about the need for such drastic change, but we'll stop here (mostly in fear that if we do keep going, the odds of us being able to sell the franchise for a profit will severely drop).  So please come down to The Park this Saturday at 12:00 for your chance to make history (or at the very least, be apart of a horribly mediocre bullpen).

- Phillies Management

PS - If you can't make it down but want to help, please send us cash, so that we may be able to pry away one of these guys - Atlanta Braves pitching staff and the New York Mets pitching staff.

Question - Can anyone think of a better way to spend your Memorial Day than the above scenario with the addition of this gem of information - Hatfield Franks Dollar Dog Night?  Answer - no.  The reason?  It's the only sensible time to try and pull off the greatest sports fan accomplishment known to man... joining the prestigious 9-9-9 Club.

Much like fraternities, not much is known about the creation of the infamous 9-9-9 Club.  Some say a man by the name of Donald P. Grimes inadvertently created the club while getting drunk at his son's little league game back in 1978.  Others say the club was created by key members of the '93 Phillies team on their days off.  But whatever the story, one thing's for sure - it takes a true champion to become a "Niner".

If you didn't already know, the 9-9-9 Club is home to the dreamers and do'ers who manage to eat 9 hot dogs and drink 9 beers all in the span of 9 innings.

Now before you pull the old, "What's this idiot talking about?  I could totally eat 9 hot dogs and drink 9 beers.  I once won the title of 'Mr. Chug Panama City' back in 1989..." here are the rules:

1. Must be 21 years of age, or posses a really good fake ID.
2. Must eat 9 hot dogs (including buns) and drink 9 beers (16 ounce) in the span of 9 innings.
3. Must not throw up, and must remain awake for at least 1 hour after the bottom of the 9th ends.

Sounds simple right?  Most people just hear those three rules and assume that joining the club will be easier than hooking up at McFadden's, but please take the following into consideration before you try and be a hero:

1. Temperature - 100 pounds of food and a kegs worth of booze don't mix well with the sun (I think we all remember what it did to Elisabeth Shue's friend in the movie Cocktail).
2. Pressure - Trying to back up a months worth of smack can break a man (think Jerramy Stevens 2005).
3. The Hot Dogs - Who's to say you're gonna get a good batch of dogs?  For all you know the guy who's responsible for getting rid of all the pig knuckles just broke up with his girlfriend, and the last thing on his mind is your quest for the 9-9-9.
4. 16 Ounce Beers - Trust me, this makes a HUGE difference. 
5. Pace - Fast or slow?  Double fist?  Double dog?  When do you take bathroom breaks?  Do you Kobayashi your dogs (dip them in water)?  What happens when there's a back to back 1-2-3 inning?  Who's the pace car?
6. You're Heart Might Explode - Are you really prepared to take in 120 grams of fat and 3,000 calories in the span of 120 minutes?  Are you also prepared to recreate the diner scene from Spaceballs?

I only offer the above information because I don't want anyone to go through the shame and embarrassment (not too mention the horribly inflated ATM receipts) that I had to go through the five times I attempted to join the club:

April 24th, 2004 (Phillies - Expos) - 4 hot dogs and 3 beers with an end result of a legendary case of explosive diarrhea.
August 6th, 2004 (Dodgers - Phillies) - 5 hot dogs and 3 beers with an end result of... see above.
April 4th, 2005 (Phillies - Nationals) - 8 hot dogs and 4 beers with an end result of heart burn and 25 minutes worth of hiccups.
June 24th, 2005 (Phillies - Red Sox) - 4 hot dogs and 6 beers with an end result of missing the last three innings due to excessive vomiting.
June 30th, 2006 (Phillies - Mets) - 6 hot dogs and 6 beers with an end result of me blacking out within 10 minutes of leaving the park.

Which brings us to tomorrow's game at The Park.  If watching thousands of reruns of Evil Kanevil stunts have taught me anything, it's that the best time to risk your life is when all the cards say go.  Tomorrow's game time temperature is going to be in the low to mid 80's.  The Phillies are returning home after sweeping the Braves.  And all hot dogs cost $1 thanks to the fantastic people at Hatfield.  So good luck to you brave souls who dare try to join a club so awesome and so dangerous, that it only has three members (who coincidentally are all unknown).

Throughout the season I would love to know of anyone who successfully joins the 9-9-9 Club... and if anyone sees a really handsome 27 year old man hugging a toilet and cursing the Gods during the later September Nationals series, please don't kick him.

*Warning - I'll be honest, this will become your favorite Phillies blog within the month (not to mention that I will eventually be hired by the Phillies to write full time, and be given the title of "Dictator Perpetuus")... you will be so entertained, and so impressed by my 8th grade research skills, and my PRE-SAT vocabulary, that you might start to send me money just to ensure that I can focus on this blog and not starve.

So what can you expect at Let's Get Sillie?  Good question... you can expect to find stats (MLB, AAA, AA, A), original insight based on years of playing MLB on my Playstation, and links to other more talented writer's work (on a daily basis).

This is all you need to know - I am a 27 year old insomniac who has an insatiable thirst for all things Philadelphia... mainly the Phillies.  I will update this "blog" as frequently as Phillies fans get drunk and scream into an empty sky, "Why Mitch?  WHY!!!!" 

Before I go, allow me to share with you my "Why I'm a Phillies fan" story...

The year was 1989.  MC Hammer was putting the finishing touches on his solid gold album, Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em.  I was but a chubby nine year old who was on his way to becoming Philadelphia's greatest pathological liar.  I remember being in the back bench of my father's Dodge Caravan (yes, the same vintage Dodge caravan with the early 90's ski lodge wood paneling), knee deep into a six pack of Twinkies, when he told my mother that Phillies first baseman Von Francis Hayes called my uncle a "loud moth putz" at last night's game.  My uncle is in fact a "loud mouth putz".  It was during that uncomfortable car ride to Wills Eye Hospital that I became a Phillies fan.

My legend will start to grow on Tuesday, May 29th.  I hope everyone has a happy and healthy Memorial Day Weekend... and let's hope this will be the last time the Phillies are either A) at .500, or B) under .500.

Cheers,
Crash Buttermaker

PS - Feel free to check out other fine Philadelphia writers at www.FluxCapacitorSports.com (a website dedicated to bringing Philadelphia up to the minute sports news and original/creative content) - because we as Philadelphia sports fans have nothing but the past to keep us off the ledge... and as we all know, the Flux Capacitor makes time travel possible.