The Vince Papale Experiment Part II

Attention Phillies fans:

First off, we're sorry.  We're sorry.  We're sorry.  We're sorry.

Let's face it, our moves haven't exactly panned out in regards to our bullpen.  Between the guys we didn't sign, the guys we did sign, and the projected starter turned closer, we've screwed up... royally.  If we had access to Doc Brown's Delorean, we'd go back in time and do the exact opposite of what we've done to date.  I guess in hindsight we never should have signed Flash Gordon.  But in our defense, how were we supposed to know that Gordon was actually 83 years old, and that he was no longer focused because of all the trouble he was having with the new puppet regime installed in his Florida retirement community (****, we're in such a mess, we've been toying with the idea of bailing out Ugi).  But don't worry Philly fans, we're here to tell you that we're doing our best to right the ship.  I mean did Captain John Smith stay the course after numerous reports of danger?  Ummmm... scratch that. 

I think we're all in agreement that Monday's and Tuesday's loss to the Diamondbacks were tough to swallow, but those loses were made even worse by the way they ended.  To have Garcia go 8 strong innings only to see Madson give up 2 runs in the ninth; and then to cut the lead down to two, only to have Geary give up 5 runs in the eighth... well it makes us sick.  So sick that I personally saw Charlie Manuel crying in his office after the game (sure the wedding scene from Steel Magnolia's was playing in the background, but I'm pretty sure it was because of the game).

And this is the reason for the letter.  We as an organization have decided that the only way for us to fix the pen is to hold open try outs.  That's right, the Vince Papale experiment is back, and we're hoping for the same kind of result (except maybe four or five Papale's... and no more Interboro kids).  We'll take anyone.  Anyone with an arm.  It doesn't even really matter if it's a real arm, just something that is able to throw a baseball over the plate without the end result being a home run, walk, or wild throw.  There's even been some talk about letting people with futuristic body parts to try out.  So if you're an ex high school player, a carnival game show off, a little league phenom, a cyborg, or even pretty good at MLB on the Playstation, then we want you.  I'm not kidding folks.  Our bullpen has an ERA of 6.69.  Vegas has our overall season ending OVER/UNDER team ERA set at 9.83 (FYI - we took the over).  Someone out there has to be better than this:

Alfonseca - 2-1, 4.57 ERA, 21.2 innings, 27 hits
Rosario - 0-3, 4.70 ERA, 15.1 innings, 21 hits
Gordon - 1-1, 4.82 ERA, 9.1 innings, 12 hits
Condrey - 2-0, 10.80 ERA, 8.1 innings, 12 hits
Myers - on the DL with a broken spirit
Segovia - 0-1, 9.00 ERA, 5 innings, 8 hits
Geary - 0-1, 3.76 ERA, 26.1 innings, 19 runs

We could go on and on about the need for such drastic change, but we'll stop here (mostly in fear that if we do keep going, the odds of us being able to sell the franchise for a profit will severely drop).  So please come down to The Park this Saturday at 12:00 for your chance to make history (or at the very least, be apart of a horribly mediocre bullpen).

- Phillies Management

PS - If you can't make it down but want to help, please send us cash, so that we may be able to pry away one of these guys - Atlanta Braves pitching staff and the New York Mets pitching staff.